She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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