I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The uberlube is also flammable
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
