how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
