He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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