remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As shirtless as possible
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
