He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
