Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
