guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
