She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
