Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
it was like eating out sand paper
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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