Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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