Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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