At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
