It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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