i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
