I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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