he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What drink are we having for lunch?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
