Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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