I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
