I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
