What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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