be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
