I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
