I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
