I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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