i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
