Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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