Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
