take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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