my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Enjoy the penises
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
