the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
