I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
