eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I want you more than these girls want KFC
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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