God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
