Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
