is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
