For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
