I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
this is an emotional support booty call
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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