3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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