I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
