this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
