I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
