if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
