allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
After last night, I could never be a politician.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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