if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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