our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just high enough for therapy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
