Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
