Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
