dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
