so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
